We’ve all met one. You can’t watch “Game of Thrones,” “Lord of the Rings,” “Harry Potter,” or even “The Help,” without encountering one. That’s right. People who have read the book version first, and need to let you know about it. I’ve studied these people for years, in the cinema, at my friends’ houses, through the shrubs in the park, in the boot of their car, and at the top of that Ferris wheel at the carnival. As far as I can tell, this is how to watch TV or movie adaptations when you have already read the books first. In other words, how to be that person that everyone hates.
- Subtly, (but assertively) inform your friends that you have read the books. They need to know that you are an intellectual being that does higher order things like read.
- Whenever a character appears, tell them how you imagined the character to be, how the casting people got it wrong, and recite the passage from the book that describes the character.
- Remind them that you read the books before watching this adaptation. They may have forgotten. They aren’t very smart. They haven’t read the books, after all.
- When a key scene is about to come up, tap your friends on their shoulders excitedly and tell them that this part is going to be awesome. You know, because you’ve read the books, and they haven’t.
- Did you tell them that you read the books? Better tell them again, just to be sure. Ignore angry glares from your friends.
- Every now and then say “Oh man, just like in the book! Yeah!” Smile smugly as more people glare at you. They’re just jealous.
- Grow nervous as your friends angrily gather around you.
- Plead with your friends as they carry you away from the TV and towards the door. Remind them that you have read the books. That will calm things down.
- Oh shit man, they’re really pissed. Dave’s got you in a headlock and you’re starting to cry. Try and squirm out of it. Didn’t Tyrion squirm out of something in the book? Probably.
- So they’re thrown you out. That’s ok. Get some ice cream and go home. You still have your books.
Always remember: There’s no need to be afraid of scary dreams. If you are, for example, dreaming of a hoard of serial killers hunting you down, that just makes it all the harder for people to Inception you. Even dream thieves are afraid of serial killers.
I saw you at that party last night. That’s right. The get together with all of your intimate friends. What’s that? I wasn’t invited? Yeah, I know. But I was there anyway. It’s not creepy, I was just outside, disguised as a shrub, looking through your living room window with a home made periscope. I do it all the time. Your yard is basically my home now. Ask the mailman. But in any case, I saw you when you got up and put a Nickelback song on the sound system. I saw your friends look at you with disgust. I saw your girlfriend break up with you on the spot, tossing the ring you gave her for her birthday last year at your face. I saw your parents text you, telling you that they would prefer it if you moved out of home. Not to worry. I’m about to tell you how to have music tastes that even your parents would consider cool. Pay attention.
- Don’t claim to like anything that is considered popular. If a song has appeared on any music charts anywhere, it is immediately uncool, and you should have rocks thrown at you for liking it. I don’t care if the chart is the Iceland Hot 37, if your favourite song charted on there, it is not your favourite anymore. Only unpopular songs deserve to be popular.
- If there is a cool band, always love their earliest stuff the best, and say that their new stuff is garbage. Even if you don’t feel that way. You need to let people know that you have been listening to this band for much longer, and now that other people listen to it, they suck.
- If there are people who agree with you, then you have to pretend there is an obscure project that the band did before their earliest stuff. For example: “Yeah man. The first album is tight, but…I have a beer soaked napkin that the singer wrote a draft title of one of his songs on in 1987 with a paperclip dipped in tomato sauce and his drummer’s tears after he got a splinter from the table. That is definitely their tightest stuff ever. So rad dude. You probably haven’t heard of it though…”
- The older the music, the better. Anything made in the last 20 years is absolute shit (obviously), and the older your tastes get, the cooler you are. You need to like bands like The Beatles, Queen, Mozart, Julius Caeser, Xerxes, and Urg Caveson, the first caveman recording artist. He couldn’t record anything with his technology but that just makes it all the more refreshing. Artists who record their songs are just getting so tiresome don’t you think?
- If it uses the same genre or instruments as another song, then that means it is just a piece of mainstream filth. You need to constantly expand your musical and cultural horizons, and that means listening to Jazz-Electro-Reggae music performed on Croatian gunhabrezels (clay pots slathered with peanut butter, filled with blue beads. They have to be blue).
So there you go. Go and get some respect for once. You need it.
So, much like that fungus that started growing in my armpit last week, hashtags now seem to be everywhere, especially with the shock announcement recently that hashtags on Facebook actually work. What a world we live in. How did we even survive before being able to look through lists of tweets, statuses and pictures that have the same hashtag as ours? Needless to say, this technological development is right up there with the printing press, the World Wide Web, and Jesus in terms of significance upon society. With that in mind, I thought I would give you a tasty, yet legit, life lesson, on how to hashtag properly, so you can avoid looking like an absolute loser when you make a status. Follow these tips, and you will be a #hashtaghero in minutes.
- When you make a status about a meal (because let’s face it, what kind of moron eats food these days without telling their entire network of friends about it), add in a hashtag for every ingredient that is in that meal. This lets people know that you are a foodie, and trust me. They will absolutely care. For instance: “OMG. Just had the best salad of my liffffe! #lettuce #tomatoes #croutons #dressing #carrot #figs #beansprouts #onions #capsicum.” That salad actually sounds pretty shit. But you get the idea. This may not be necessary with more banal food items, for example: “OMG. Just had the best cheese on toast of my lifffffe! #cheese #bread.”
- So you went to a party last night, huh? Got pretty drunk eh? Sounds like you need a pinch of hashtag to let your friends know. Simply add a hashtag for all the beverages you enjoyed, plus perhaps one about exactly how drunk you were. For example: “Oh man, was soooo wasted last night, bro. #beer #tequilashots #abottleofrum #sowasteddude.” Keep in mind it won’t sound as impressive if you were sober: “Oh man, had a really good time last night, drank so many drinks, bro. #lemonade #coke #fanta #afewglassesofwaterbeforebed.”
- Have you made a new artistic project? Written a song, carved a new spoon, drew a new cave painting? Well why not actually name it with a hashtag? All the best creators of our time are doing it. Will.i.am, who was voted as World’s Best Person in russiancuisine.com’s poll has called his new album #thatpower. So why don’t you call your new song #tormentedsoul? Or your new novel #thegreatgatsby2? The possibilities are infinite. And I promise you. You will not look like a douchebag.
- Finally, in any status, ever, about anything, just add a hashtag about how you are feeling at the time. For example: “Oh man, best day I’ve had in a while. Finally got my kite up and running, I made it onto the herb gardening team, and my tricycle came back from the shop! #sohappyicoulddie.”
So there you have it. How to hashtag like a hero, in four easy steps. Get ready for a wave of respect from all of your social media friends. If you get any hate mail, just ignore it. They’re #justjealous.