Ok, so pick up your copy of Where’s Wally. Or Where’s Waldo if you’re an American. I’ve always thought that was strange. Since when is Waldo even a name? You always hear people debating about America’s problems, like gun laws, health care, and all that stuff. But I think their main issue is calling Wally Waldo. Get on that, Obama.
I’m sure the cover looks nice, bu the real challenge is inside. This is where you will find that slippery bitch. So, open the book, and turn to the first page. Don’t be intimidated by all the people there. See, while our friend Wally thinks he is an expert in stealth, he has one flaw: His outfit. He will be the one in the red and white striped sweater. All you have to do is look out for that, and he will be all yours, my friend.
Keep looking. You’ll find him eventually, I swear. This must be one of those tough ones.
Yes! YES! You found him! That’s him, right there! Wait, what the fuck? That’s just a dog in Wally’s sweater. Dear God. He’s more tricky than we thought. But don’t worry. These are made for 8 year olds. This should be no challenge to an adult, of superior intellect.
Holy shit this is legitimately hard. There are just so many fucking things that look like Wally. You should write a letter to the publisher, tell them that there must have been a printing mistake.
Ignore any communication from friends, family, and loved ones. This is what you need to focus on right now.
So it’s been three days. Don’t let that shake you. Get some coffee, and come back. He’s got to be in here somewhere.
Maybe you need an outside perspective. Head out into the street and ask strangers for help. What’s that? You haven’t showered, slept, or shaved in the past three days? Forget about that. You have more important problems.
Keep roaming the streets asking people, day and night. Surely somebody will be kind enough to help you. Tell them if you don’t find Wally the government is going to take your baby. It might be true.
Call work and quit. This is your life now. You were getting pissed off by all of those calls from your boss about how concerned he was that you haven’t been to work in days anyway.
Go to the public phone, and start calling everyone in the phone book, asking if they know where to find Wally. You can do it in alphabetical order, but if you want to be a bit frisky and fun, just mix it up. Go from Aaron Aaronson to Zeke Zyxwacola.
If you have a partner, tell them it’s over. Wally is all you can focus on right now, and you can’t commit to anyone else.
Get out onto the road and hitchhike. To anywhere. As long as it’s far away. You need to find the answer. It’s the only thing left in your life right now. Fuck, why did yo have to quit your job? Some food sure would be nice right now.
So you’ve been roaming the country for 4 years without friends, family, or companionship, trying to find a cartoon character in a children’s book. No big deal. This problem is totally normal, and happens to most people at some point in their lives. Just keep on going. Maybe take off your sweater, it’s starting to smell like a corpse that’s been dipped in mayonnaise.
Wait. Your sweater. What colour is it? Are those…red and white stripes?You sick son of a bitch.It’s you. You’re him. You SICK FUCK. YOU’VE BEEN WALLY THE WHOLE TIME? I SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR YOU. I DRANK MY OWN URINE TRYING TO FIND YOU. I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.