Tired of boring old doggy style? Try wombat style on for size. Dig yourself a burrow in the dirt, masturbate, then go to sleep.
- Start the day with a nutritious breakfast. And that means throw out all the cereal you own. That’s right. Even Special K. It’s all sugar loaded, trans fat packed, Satan worshiping garbage. You know what? Burn it. It will be a great symbol for the calories you will burn later.
- So what do you replace it with? A nice fruit salad? Please. While you’re at it, why don’t you just inject cyanide into your lungs? Fruit is packed with disgusting natural sugars, and sometimes tastes good. And as we all know, that is a telltale sign of unhealthiness. If you eat one bit of watermelon, I swear to God you will have gained 20 kilos by lunchtime. So toss that all out too. What you want is a nice refreshing glass of water, and a pinch of table salt.
- Feeling like a snack on the way to work? Take that chocolate bar over there. That one. In the vending machine. What, it’s $3.00? You’re hungry right? It’s a pretty small price to pay, right? Ok so you have the chocolate. Now THROW IT IN THE NEAREST BODY OF WATER. If there is not one near you, find one. Now find a pine cone and suck on that. Mmm mm. Natural woody goodness.
- Ok, so it’s your lunch break. everyone around you is eating sandwiches. What’s that? You’d like a sandwich? Well you can’t have one. All kinds of bread are carbohydrate filled, omega 12 enriched, KKK enthusiast monstrosities. Don’t you dare take a bite of one of those devil cakes.
- Have a nice salad. No dressing of course. Anything that provides any sort of flavour, as we all know, is actually killing us. And vegetables grown on farms just aren’t natural anymore. Pesticides, growth hormones, and native gypsy tribes all poison the vegetables before they get out of the ground. You don’t want that garbage in your body temple. So go out to the park, grab a handful of grass, and that’s your lunch. Only one handful, mind you.
- Now what do you drink during the day? You’ve already had one glass of water, remember? That’s a lot of extra liquid you don’t need. Stand by the kettles and inhale some of that sweet sweet steam. Just like water, but without the stress of gaining weight.
- So you have already had a pinch of salt, a glass of water, a pine cone, a handful of grass, and some steam. Therefore you have technically overeaten. Instead of dinner, just sit in the afternoon sun. After doing this for a few years, your body will learn to photosynthesise, and that is another low fat meal for you to enjoy. In moderation though, please. You don’t want that vitamin D going to your thighs.
- Now just repeat next week! Oh yeah. This was not a daily guide. You need to fast until next week. That means no photosynthesis either, please. Get out your trusty parasol, and before you know it, it will be time for another glass of water! Yay!
At that awkward stage where you’ve known someone for months, and you still can’t remember their name? Run out of different permutations of “bro,” “mate,” “buddy,” and “man?” Ask them for their phone number, and when you are putting their info in your phone, ask for the spelling of their full name. Genius. Let’s just hope that their name isn’t Jim Jones or something. The you will just look stupid. At that point, just run and never look back. You need a new life now.
Is your lover feeling a bit tense during your session of erotica? Simply begin to make some soothing nature sounds such as crashing waves, bird noises, car engines, rhinoceros calls, whale song, then then gradually break down into tears until you finish. This will relax your partner and allow them to see that you are not really a person worth stressing about.
First dates can be tough, right?
Wrong. You have never been more wrong. You were actually more correct that time when you thought that singing Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus at your grandmother’s funeral was a good idea. How did that work out for you by the way? Are any members of your family talking to you again? I didn’t think so. I knew I should have posted that guide on how to choose the best song to perform at a loved one’s funeral. It’s obviously Thrift Shop.
But don’t worry. This guide will help you with all the aspects of taking that special someone out on that very first date. Venue. Conversation points. Romantic moves. Music. Food. Books. Desks. Chairs. Spiders. Snakes. Eggs. Korea. Venue. Sharks.
- So it’s 6pm. Time to pick up your date…If you’re a total nerd. Come on. Do you think you will get any respect if you show up on time? Please. If you show up any sooner than 12 hours after the arranged meeting time, I can guarantee that your date will be a disaster. I don’t care if it’s 6am. Love doesn’t have a watch. Or a clock in its house. Or a phone that has the time on it. Or a sundial.
- So while your date is acting all confused and angry, doing the ol’ “What the hell are you doing, you were supposed to be here 12 hours ago,” grab them by the hand and pull them out to the street, where their carriage straight from their wildest princess fantasies awaits: a Razor Scooter. Oh yes.
- There’s probably not enough room for both of you on there, so be a gentleman. Let your date run behind you while you take the scooter.
- Now, here you are. The perfect venue. A park? the cinema? The beach? A mini golf course? An intimate picnic? Nope. Much better. It’s the supermarket! The ultimate venue for romance. Did you know that in the original version of the play, William Shakespeare had Romeo meeting Juliet while shopping for some cereal at the local Woolworths? He cut it out because the focus group deemed it “too real.”
- But what will you do here? Why, send your date on a romantic scavenger hunt. How fun! The list of items? Your shopping list. The items? The things on your shopping list. Make sure your date uses their own money to buy them, or it will be cheating. Meanwhile, you sit out the front and yell encouragement.
- Hmm she seems to be walking out of the store. Stop her. This is a date! You need a partner. And you really need those groceries.
- She’s running now. No worries. It’s just part of the fun. Get on your scooter and tell her to come back. Offer to help her with the scavenger hunt.
- She’s calling someone on her phone now. Oh shit, taking her phone should have been step #2. That’s your bad. You should have reminded me.
- She’s made it to her house. That’s ok. Just climb into one of the windows. It’s daring, and cute. Like Spiderman.
- Ok, so this is her parents’ room. No matter. Just explain to the father that you are looking for his daughter so you can take her for the date of her life.
- So now the father is making a call to someone and telling them his address, and asking them to “come quickly,” because there is “a strange man in the house.” Don’t worry. He’s probably calling the President so he can give you a medal for best date of all time. Naturally.