Tired of boring old doggy style? Try wombat style on for size. Dig yourself a burrow in the dirt, masturbate, then go to sleep.
At that awkward stage where you’ve known someone for months, and you still can’t remember their name? Run out of different permutations of “bro,” “mate,” “buddy,” and “man?” Ask them for their phone number, and when you are putting their info in your phone, ask for the spelling of their full name. Genius. Let’s just hope that their name isn’t Jim Jones or something. The you will just look stupid. At that point, just run and never look back. You need a new life now.
By special guest writer Barack Obama.
- What is a president without selfies? This is what George Washington first said to himself when he invented America in 1943. And the answer to that classic question is: a loser. Why do you think Mount Rushmore exists? Every president up there, Washington, Lincoln, ahhh…the other two, carved that face himself, to show to the world that they are worth a damn. And now we have mobile phones, I can show that to the world without taking that 3 year long rock carving course.
- It’s important to pick your venue. You can’t just take your selfie when you’re in the back alley behind a Burger King. It needs to be somewhere grand. Somewhere with significance. Like at a memorial service. I’ve picked Nelson Mandela’s, but you can pick any one of your friends’ or families’. It’s not important.
- What? It’s not disrespectful. I’m pretty sure it’s not, anyway. Nelson probably would have wanted me to stop paying attention to his memorial service and take a picture of myself instead. You didn’t know him.
- Sometimes your selfie should have some of your best bros in it with you. I’ve picked David Cameron and Helle Thorning Schmidt. Your friends don’t have to be Prime Ministers, though. I just can’t help that I’m friends with cool people.
- Snuggle in close, and smile! Try to not let the sad memorial music, or the overall tone of the event, or the concepts of death and respect bring you down. Nobody wants to see a moody selfie.
- Don’t let your wife’s dour expression bring you down either. She may look like she’s pretending to not know you, but she’s just jealous you didn’t invite her to be in the selfie.
- And there you have it. The perfect selfie, at the perfect venue, with no possible repercussions. Post to Instagram, Facebook, where ever! Now for the respect and praise to roll in like a tidal wave.
I saw you at that party last night. That’s right. The get together with all of your intimate friends. What’s that? I wasn’t invited? Yeah, I know. But I was there anyway. It’s not creepy, I was just outside, disguised as a shrub, looking through your living room window with a home made periscope. I do it all the time. Your yard is basically my home now. Ask the mailman. But in any case, I saw you when you got up and put a Nickelback song on the sound system. I saw your friends look at you with disgust. I saw your girlfriend break up with you on the spot, tossing the ring you gave her for her birthday last year at your face. I saw your parents text you, telling you that they would prefer it if you moved out of home. Not to worry. I’m about to tell you how to have music tastes that even your parents would consider cool. Pay attention.
- Don’t claim to like anything that is considered popular. If a song has appeared on any music charts anywhere, it is immediately uncool, and you should have rocks thrown at you for liking it. I don’t care if the chart is the Iceland Hot 37, if your favourite song charted on there, it is not your favourite anymore. Only unpopular songs deserve to be popular.
- If there is a cool band, always love their earliest stuff the best, and say that their new stuff is garbage. Even if you don’t feel that way. You need to let people know that you have been listening to this band for much longer, and now that other people listen to it, they suck.
- If there are people who agree with you, then you have to pretend there is an obscure project that the band did before their earliest stuff. For example: “Yeah man. The first album is tight, but…I have a beer soaked napkin that the singer wrote a draft title of one of his songs on in 1987 with a paperclip dipped in tomato sauce and his drummer’s tears after he got a splinter from the table. That is definitely their tightest stuff ever. So rad dude. You probably haven’t heard of it though…”
- The older the music, the better. Anything made in the last 20 years is absolute shit (obviously), and the older your tastes get, the cooler you are. You need to like bands like The Beatles, Queen, Mozart, Julius Caeser, Xerxes, and Urg Caveson, the first caveman recording artist. He couldn’t record anything with his technology but that just makes it all the more refreshing. Artists who record their songs are just getting so tiresome don’t you think?
- If it uses the same genre or instruments as another song, then that means it is just a piece of mainstream filth. You need to constantly expand your musical and cultural horizons, and that means listening to Jazz-Electro-Reggae music performed on Croatian gunhabrezels (clay pots slathered with peanut butter, filled with blue beads. They have to be blue).
So there you go. Go and get some respect for once. You need it.
So, much like that fungus that started growing in my armpit last week, hashtags now seem to be everywhere, especially with the shock announcement recently that hashtags on Facebook actually work. What a world we live in. How did we even survive before being able to look through lists of tweets, statuses and pictures that have the same hashtag as ours? Needless to say, this technological development is right up there with the printing press, the World Wide Web, and Jesus in terms of significance upon society. With that in mind, I thought I would give you a tasty, yet legit, life lesson, on how to hashtag properly, so you can avoid looking like an absolute loser when you make a status. Follow these tips, and you will be a #hashtaghero in minutes.
- When you make a status about a meal (because let’s face it, what kind of moron eats food these days without telling their entire network of friends about it), add in a hashtag for every ingredient that is in that meal. This lets people know that you are a foodie, and trust me. They will absolutely care. For instance: “OMG. Just had the best salad of my liffffe! #lettuce #tomatoes #croutons #dressing #carrot #figs #beansprouts #onions #capsicum.” That salad actually sounds pretty shit. But you get the idea. This may not be necessary with more banal food items, for example: “OMG. Just had the best cheese on toast of my lifffffe! #cheese #bread.”
- So you went to a party last night, huh? Got pretty drunk eh? Sounds like you need a pinch of hashtag to let your friends know. Simply add a hashtag for all the beverages you enjoyed, plus perhaps one about exactly how drunk you were. For example: “Oh man, was soooo wasted last night, bro. #beer #tequilashots #abottleofrum #sowasteddude.” Keep in mind it won’t sound as impressive if you were sober: “Oh man, had a really good time last night, drank so many drinks, bro. #lemonade #coke #fanta #afewglassesofwaterbeforebed.”
- Have you made a new artistic project? Written a song, carved a new spoon, drew a new cave painting? Well why not actually name it with a hashtag? All the best creators of our time are doing it. Will.i.am, who was voted as World’s Best Person in russiancuisine.com’s poll has called his new album #thatpower. So why don’t you call your new song #tormentedsoul? Or your new novel #thegreatgatsby2? The possibilities are infinite. And I promise you. You will not look like a douchebag.
- Finally, in any status, ever, about anything, just add a hashtag about how you are feeling at the time. For example: “Oh man, best day I’ve had in a while. Finally got my kite up and running, I made it onto the herb gardening team, and my tricycle came back from the shop! #sohappyicoulddie.”
So there you have it. How to hashtag like a hero, in four easy steps. Get ready for a wave of respect from all of your social media friends. If you get any hate mail, just ignore it. They’re #justjealous.