- Start the day with a nutritious breakfast. And that means throw out all the cereal you own. That’s right. Even Special K. It’s all sugar loaded, trans fat packed, Satan worshiping garbage. You know what? Burn it. It will be a great symbol for the calories you will burn later.
- So what do you replace it with? A nice fruit salad? Please. While you’re at it, why don’t you just inject cyanide into your lungs? Fruit is packed with disgusting natural sugars, and sometimes tastes good. And as we all know, that is a telltale sign of unhealthiness. If you eat one bit of watermelon, I swear to God you will have gained 20 kilos by lunchtime. So toss that all out too. What you want is a nice refreshing glass of water, and a pinch of table salt.
- Feeling like a snack on the way to work? Take that chocolate bar over there. That one. In the vending machine. What, it’s $3.00? You’re hungry right? It’s a pretty small price to pay, right? Ok so you have the chocolate. Now THROW IT IN THE NEAREST BODY OF WATER. If there is not one near you, find one. Now find a pine cone and suck on that. Mmm mm. Natural woody goodness.
- Ok, so it’s your lunch break. everyone around you is eating sandwiches. What’s that? You’d like a sandwich? Well you can’t have one. All kinds of bread are carbohydrate filled, omega 12 enriched, KKK enthusiast monstrosities. Don’t you dare take a bite of one of those devil cakes.
- Have a nice salad. No dressing of course. Anything that provides any sort of flavour, as we all know, is actually killing us. And vegetables grown on farms just aren’t natural anymore. Pesticides, growth hormones, and native gypsy tribes all poison the vegetables before they get out of the ground. You don’t want that garbage in your body temple. So go out to the park, grab a handful of grass, and that’s your lunch. Only one handful, mind you.
- Now what do you drink during the day? You’ve already had one glass of water, remember? That’s a lot of extra liquid you don’t need. Stand by the kettles and inhale some of that sweet sweet steam. Just like water, but without the stress of gaining weight.
- So you have already had a pinch of salt, a glass of water, a pine cone, a handful of grass, and some steam. Therefore you have technically overeaten. Instead of dinner, just sit in the afternoon sun. After doing this for a few years, your body will learn to photosynthesise, and that is another low fat meal for you to enjoy. In moderation though, please. You don’t want that vitamin D going to your thighs.
- Now just repeat next week! Oh yeah. This was not a daily guide. You need to fast until next week. That means no photosynthesis either, please. Get out your trusty parasol, and before you know it, it will be time for another glass of water! Yay!
At that awkward stage where you’ve known someone for months, and you still can’t remember their name? Run out of different permutations of “bro,” “mate,” “buddy,” and “man?” Ask them for their phone number, and when you are putting their info in your phone, ask for the spelling of their full name. Genius. Let’s just hope that their name isn’t Jim Jones or something. The you will just look stupid. At that point, just run and never look back. You need a new life now.
First dates can be tough, right?
Wrong. You have never been more wrong. You were actually more correct that time when you thought that singing Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus at your grandmother’s funeral was a good idea. How did that work out for you by the way? Are any members of your family talking to you again? I didn’t think so. I knew I should have posted that guide on how to choose the best song to perform at a loved one’s funeral. It’s obviously Thrift Shop.
But don’t worry. This guide will help you with all the aspects of taking that special someone out on that very first date. Venue. Conversation points. Romantic moves. Music. Food. Books. Desks. Chairs. Spiders. Snakes. Eggs. Korea. Venue. Sharks.
- So it’s 6pm. Time to pick up your date…If you’re a total nerd. Come on. Do you think you will get any respect if you show up on time? Please. If you show up any sooner than 12 hours after the arranged meeting time, I can guarantee that your date will be a disaster. I don’t care if it’s 6am. Love doesn’t have a watch. Or a clock in its house. Or a phone that has the time on it. Or a sundial.
- So while your date is acting all confused and angry, doing the ol’ “What the hell are you doing, you were supposed to be here 12 hours ago,” grab them by the hand and pull them out to the street, where their carriage straight from their wildest princess fantasies awaits: a Razor Scooter. Oh yes.
- There’s probably not enough room for both of you on there, so be a gentleman. Let your date run behind you while you take the scooter.
- Now, here you are. The perfect venue. A park? the cinema? The beach? A mini golf course? An intimate picnic? Nope. Much better. It’s the supermarket! The ultimate venue for romance. Did you know that in the original version of the play, William Shakespeare had Romeo meeting Juliet while shopping for some cereal at the local Woolworths? He cut it out because the focus group deemed it “too real.”
- But what will you do here? Why, send your date on a romantic scavenger hunt. How fun! The list of items? Your shopping list. The items? The things on your shopping list. Make sure your date uses their own money to buy them, or it will be cheating. Meanwhile, you sit out the front and yell encouragement.
- Hmm she seems to be walking out of the store. Stop her. This is a date! You need a partner. And you really need those groceries.
- She’s running now. No worries. It’s just part of the fun. Get on your scooter and tell her to come back. Offer to help her with the scavenger hunt.
- She’s calling someone on her phone now. Oh shit, taking her phone should have been step #2. That’s your bad. You should have reminded me.
- She’s made it to her house. That’s ok. Just climb into one of the windows. It’s daring, and cute. Like Spiderman.
- Ok, so this is her parents’ room. No matter. Just explain to the father that you are looking for his daughter so you can take her for the date of her life.
- So now the father is making a call to someone and telling them his address, and asking them to “come quickly,” because there is “a strange man in the house.” Don’t worry. He’s probably calling the President so he can give you a medal for best date of all time. Naturally.
By special guest writer Barack Obama.
- What is a president without selfies? This is what George Washington first said to himself when he invented America in 1943. And the answer to that classic question is: a loser. Why do you think Mount Rushmore exists? Every president up there, Washington, Lincoln, ahhh…the other two, carved that face himself, to show to the world that they are worth a damn. And now we have mobile phones, I can show that to the world without taking that 3 year long rock carving course.
- It’s important to pick your venue. You can’t just take your selfie when you’re in the back alley behind a Burger King. It needs to be somewhere grand. Somewhere with significance. Like at a memorial service. I’ve picked Nelson Mandela’s, but you can pick any one of your friends’ or families’. It’s not important.
- What? It’s not disrespectful. I’m pretty sure it’s not, anyway. Nelson probably would have wanted me to stop paying attention to his memorial service and take a picture of myself instead. You didn’t know him.
- Sometimes your selfie should have some of your best bros in it with you. I’ve picked David Cameron and Helle Thorning Schmidt. Your friends don’t have to be Prime Ministers, though. I just can’t help that I’m friends with cool people.
- Snuggle in close, and smile! Try to not let the sad memorial music, or the overall tone of the event, or the concepts of death and respect bring you down. Nobody wants to see a moody selfie.
- Don’t let your wife’s dour expression bring you down either. She may look like she’s pretending to not know you, but she’s just jealous you didn’t invite her to be in the selfie.
- And there you have it. The perfect selfie, at the perfect venue, with no possible repercussions. Post to Instagram, Facebook, where ever! Now for the respect and praise to roll in like a tidal wave.
- Arriving a few minutes early shows that you’re a go getter. You don’t mess around and you value punctuality. Arriving SIX DAYS early shows that you are your own boss. A confident self starter who has more important things to do than to own a calendar. A potential employee who looks at one of those pesky date telling wall hangings and says “Get the hell out of my face, BITCH. You don’t tell me what day it is. I tell you what day it is.” What’s that? You haven’t even been offered an interview yet? All the better, friend. Now you have that element that every great businessman in a position such as this craves. What is it called? That element where nobody knows you’re coming and you aren’t suspected by anybody. It’s a very common element that people have a lot. Oh yeah. Lithium. That’s the one, baby. You’ve got the element of lithium on your side.
- Dress to impress. And that doesn’t mean dress in a lame collared shirt and tie. No sir. Last time I checked, to “impress” means to make an impression. Do you think you will make one of those if you are dressed like everyone else coming in for interviews? Let me answer that for you, since you’ve been silent this entire lesson, and I don’t think you plan on talking any time soon. The answer is no. The best way to make an impression is to go in there wearing nothing but a nice leather belt and one of those hats with the little propellers on the top. If people try to stop you from getting into the office, cover their eyes, or call the police, then that means you’re doing it right.
- When you find your future boss, go into his office without even knocking. What’s that? He’s in a meeting with an important client? It don’t matter, son. Who could this other guy be? Nobody as important as you, my friend. So just sit right there in his lap and look your boss directly in the eye. Give your propeller a little whirl. Ignore the squirms coming from underneath you. Sit harder. If you lose focus now, your interviewer is going to think you can’t stay focused when there are a suffocating men desperately clinging to your propeller hat and emitting muffled screams of protest. And that is one of the most frequent obstacles in this job probably.
- Whoever talks first holds the power. So before he starts to speak, lean forward and put your finger on his lips. Move over to his ear and start whispering your past experience for the role. The intimate nature of this action will assure him that you are not afraid to whisper in people’s ears, which might be handy at some point. I don’t know. Maybe you need to have a meeting in a library at some point. Maybe there will be a companywide game of Chinese whispers. What is this job, anyway? Jesus. In any case, don’t be afraid to lick him in the ear. Now that’s taking initiative.
- Whoa, he’s getting aggressive. That’s ok. Just because he is pushing you away doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life. That’s good general life advice too. Remember that one. Ok, so he’s calling security. It’s a bluff. Power move. All you have to do is walk around to his side of the desk and give him a hug. That’s it. That’s right. Shh shh shh. It’s all ok now. Corporate life can be tough.
- Whoa, the other guy has you in a headlock. Ok. Shit. Forgot about him. My bad. Ahh do you know any karate? Try karate chopping him in the leg.
- Oh shit man, security’s here. Ahhh just go limp. Yeah! Go limp. Non violence, like Ghandi. I think this is how all of his job interviews ended up. While you’re there go on a hunger strike. God you can learn so much from history. It might be hard for them to tell you’re on one, so yell it out. Tell them you won’t eat until you get a job.
- Ok, so the boss is saying that you never applied, there isn’t even a job opening, and this is not in fact a place of work. It is his own home where he was conversing with his friend. Minor setback. Tell him you will work for magic beans.
- Well, you’ve been thrown out. Tough times. Happens to the best of us. Do you still have your propeller hat? Good. You’ve won the war.
- Watch an episode of Breaking Bad.
- Run outside like a madman, tell literally everyone you have ever met that it is the best show of all time, and they have to watch it.
- Tell passers by on the street as well.
- Never stop telling everyone about how good Breaking Bad is.
- Did you tell everyone? Do it again just to make sure. They need to know.
- Ok, so pick up your copy of Where’s Wally. Or Where’s Waldo if you’re an American. I’ve always thought that was strange. Since when is Waldo even a name? You always hear people debating about America’s problems, like gun laws, health care, and all that stuff. But I think their main issue is calling Wally Waldo. Get on that, Obama.
- I’m sure the cover looks nice, bu the real challenge is inside. This is where you will find that slippery bitch. So, open the book, and turn to the first page. Don’t be intimidated by all the people there. See, while our friend Wally thinks he is an expert in stealth, he has one flaw: His outfit. He will be the one in the red and white striped sweater. All you have to do is look out for that, and he will be all yours, my friend.
- Keep looking. You’ll find him eventually, I swear. This must be one of those tough ones.
- Yes! YES! You found him! That’s him, right there! Wait, what the fuck? That’s just a dog in Wally’s sweater. Dear God. He’s more tricky than we thought. But don’t worry. These are made for 8 year olds. This should be no challenge to an adult, of superior intellect.
- Holy shit this is legitimately hard. There are just so many fucking things that look like Wally. You should write a letter to the publisher, tell them that there must have been a printing mistake.
- Ignore any communication from friends, family, and loved ones. This is what you need to focus on right now.
- So it’s been three days. Don’t let that shake you. Get some coffee, and come back. He’s got to be in here somewhere.
- Maybe you need an outside perspective. Head out into the street and ask strangers for help. What’s that? You haven’t showered, slept, or shaved in the past three days? Forget about that. You have more important problems.
- Keep roaming the streets asking people, day and night. Surely somebody will be kind enough to help you. Tell them if you don’t find Wally the government is going to take your baby. It might be true.
- Call work and quit. This is your life now. You were getting pissed off by all of those calls from your boss about how concerned he was that you haven’t been to work in days anyway.
- Go to the public phone, and start calling everyone in the phone book, asking if they know where to find Wally. You can do it in alphabetical order, but if you want to be a bit frisky and fun, just mix it up. Go from Aaron Aaronson to Zeke Zyxwacola.
- If you have a partner, tell them it’s over. Wally is all you can focus on right now, and you can’t commit to anyone else.
- Get out onto the road and hitchhike. To anywhere. As long as it’s far away. You need to find the answer. It’s the only thing left in your life right now. Fuck, why did yo have to quit your job? Some food sure would be nice right now.
- So you’ve been roaming the country for 4 years without friends, family, or companionship, trying to find a cartoon character in a children’s book. No big deal. This problem is totally normal, and happens to most people at some point in their lives. Just keep on going. Maybe take off your sweater, it’s starting to smell like a corpse that’s been dipped in mayonnaise.
- Wait. Your sweater. What colour is it? Are those…red and white stripes?You sick son of a bitch.It’s you. You’re him. You SICK FUCK. YOU’VE BEEN WALLY THE WHOLE TIME? I SACRIFICED EVERYTHING FOR YOU. I DRANK MY OWN URINE TRYING TO FIND YOU. I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.
As soon as I find you.
We’ve all met one. You can’t watch “Game of Thrones,” “Lord of the Rings,” “Harry Potter,” or even “The Help,” without encountering one. That’s right. People who have read the book version first, and need to let you know about it. I’ve studied these people for years, in the cinema, at my friends’ houses, through the shrubs in the park, in the boot of their car, and at the top of that Ferris wheel at the carnival. As far as I can tell, this is how to watch TV or movie adaptations when you have already read the books first. In other words, how to be that person that everyone hates.
- Subtly, (but assertively) inform your friends that you have read the books. They need to know that you are an intellectual being that does higher order things like read.
- Whenever a character appears, tell them how you imagined the character to be, how the casting people got it wrong, and recite the passage from the book that describes the character.
- Remind them that you read the books before watching this adaptation. They may have forgotten. They aren’t very smart. They haven’t read the books, after all.
- When a key scene is about to come up, tap your friends on their shoulders excitedly and tell them that this part is going to be awesome. You know, because you’ve read the books, and they haven’t.
- Did you tell them that you read the books? Better tell them again, just to be sure. Ignore angry glares from your friends.
- Every now and then say “Oh man, just like in the book! Yeah!” Smile smugly as more people glare at you. They’re just jealous.
- Grow nervous as your friends angrily gather around you.
- Plead with your friends as they carry you away from the TV and towards the door. Remind them that you have read the books. That will calm things down.
- Oh shit man, they’re really pissed. Dave’s got you in a headlock and you’re starting to cry. Try and squirm out of it. Didn’t Tyrion squirm out of something in the book? Probably.
- So they’re thrown you out. That’s ok. Get some ice cream and go home. You still have your books.
Always remember: There’s no need to be afraid of scary dreams. If you are, for example, dreaming of a hoard of serial killers hunting you down, that just makes it all the harder for people to Inception you. Even dream thieves are afraid of serial killers.
I saw you at that party last night. That’s right. The get together with all of your intimate friends. What’s that? I wasn’t invited? Yeah, I know. But I was there anyway. It’s not creepy, I was just outside, disguised as a shrub, looking through your living room window with a home made periscope. I do it all the time. Your yard is basically my home now. Ask the mailman. But in any case, I saw you when you got up and put a Nickelback song on the sound system. I saw your friends look at you with disgust. I saw your girlfriend break up with you on the spot, tossing the ring you gave her for her birthday last year at your face. I saw your parents text you, telling you that they would prefer it if you moved out of home. Not to worry. I’m about to tell you how to have music tastes that even your parents would consider cool. Pay attention.
- Don’t claim to like anything that is considered popular. If a song has appeared on any music charts anywhere, it is immediately uncool, and you should have rocks thrown at you for liking it. I don’t care if the chart is the Iceland Hot 37, if your favourite song charted on there, it is not your favourite anymore. Only unpopular songs deserve to be popular.
- If there is a cool band, always love their earliest stuff the best, and say that their new stuff is garbage. Even if you don’t feel that way. You need to let people know that you have been listening to this band for much longer, and now that other people listen to it, they suck.
- If there are people who agree with you, then you have to pretend there is an obscure project that the band did before their earliest stuff. For example: “Yeah man. The first album is tight, but…I have a beer soaked napkin that the singer wrote a draft title of one of his songs on in 1987 with a paperclip dipped in tomato sauce and his drummer’s tears after he got a splinter from the table. That is definitely their tightest stuff ever. So rad dude. You probably haven’t heard of it though…”
- The older the music, the better. Anything made in the last 20 years is absolute shit (obviously), and the older your tastes get, the cooler you are. You need to like bands like The Beatles, Queen, Mozart, Julius Caeser, Xerxes, and Urg Caveson, the first caveman recording artist. He couldn’t record anything with his technology but that just makes it all the more refreshing. Artists who record their songs are just getting so tiresome don’t you think?
- If it uses the same genre or instruments as another song, then that means it is just a piece of mainstream filth. You need to constantly expand your musical and cultural horizons, and that means listening to Jazz-Electro-Reggae music performed on Croatian gunhabrezels (clay pots slathered with peanut butter, filled with blue beads. They have to be blue).
So there you go. Go and get some respect for once. You need it.