How to Eat Healthy

  1. Start the day with a nutritious breakfast. And that means throw out all the cereal you own. That’s right. Even Special K. It’s all sugar loaded, trans fat packed, Satan worshiping garbage. You know what? Burn it. It will be a great symbol for the calories you will burn later.
  2. So what do you replace it with? A nice fruit salad? Please. While you’re at it, why don’t you just inject cyanide into your lungs? Fruit is packed with disgusting natural sugars, and sometimes tastes good. And as we all know, that is a telltale sign of unhealthiness. If you eat one bit of watermelon, I swear to God you will have gained 20 kilos by lunchtime. So toss that all out too. What you want is a nice refreshing glass of water, and a pinch of table salt.
  3. Feeling like a snack on the way to work? Take that chocolate bar over there. That one. In the vending machine. What, it’s $3.00? You’re hungry right? It’s a pretty small price to pay, right? Ok so you have the chocolate. Now THROW IT IN THE NEAREST BODY OF WATER. If there is not one near you, find one.  Now find a pine cone and suck on that. Mmm mm. Natural woody goodness.
  4. Ok, so it’s your lunch break. everyone around you is eating sandwiches. What’s that? You’d like a sandwich? Well you can’t have one. All kinds of bread are carbohydrate filled, omega 12 enriched, KKK enthusiast monstrosities. Don’t you dare take a bite of one of those devil cakes.
  5. Have a nice salad. No dressing of course. Anything that provides any sort of flavour, as we all know, is actually killing us. And vegetables grown on farms just aren’t natural anymore. Pesticides, growth hormones, and native gypsy tribes all poison the vegetables before they get out of the ground. You don’t want that garbage in your body temple. So go out to the park, grab a handful of grass, and that’s your lunch. Only one handful, mind you.
  6. Now what do you drink during the day? You’ve already had one glass of water, remember? That’s a lot of extra liquid you don’t need. Stand by the kettles and inhale some of that sweet sweet steam. Just like water, but without the stress of gaining weight.
  7. So you have already had a pinch of salt, a glass of water, a pine cone, a handful of grass, and some steam. Therefore you have technically overeaten. Instead of dinner, just sit in the afternoon sun. After doing this for a few years, your body will learn to photosynthesise, and that is another low fat meal for you to enjoy. In moderation though, please. You don’t want that vitamin D going to your thighs.
  8. Now just repeat next week! Oh yeah. This was not a daily guide. You need to fast until next week. That means no photosynthesis either, please. Get out your trusty parasol, and before you know it, it will be time for another glass of water! Yay!

Handy Hint #2

At that awkward stage where you’ve known someone for months, and you still can’t remember their name? Run out of different permutations of “bro,” “mate,” “buddy,” and “man?” Ask them for their phone number, and when you are putting their info in your phone, ask for the spelling of their full name. Genius. Let’s just hope that their name isn’t Jim Jones or something. The you will just look stupid. At that point, just run and never look back. You need a new life now.

Tantric Tip #2

Is your lover feeling a bit tense during your session of erotica? Simply begin to make some soothing nature sounds such as crashing waves, bird noises, car engines, rhinoceros calls, whale song, then then gradually break down into tears until you finish. This will relax your partner and allow them to see that you are not really a person worth stressing about.