First dates can be tough, right?
Wrong. You have never been more wrong. You were actually more correct that time when you thought that singing Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus at your grandmother’s funeral was a good idea. How did that work out for you by the way? Are any members of your family talking to you again? I didn’t think so. I knew I should have posted that guide on how to choose the best song to perform at a loved one’s funeral. It’s obviously Thrift Shop.
But don’t worry. This guide will help you with all the aspects of taking that special someone out on that very first date. Venue. Conversation points. Romantic moves. Music. Food. Books. Desks. Chairs. Spiders. Snakes. Eggs. Korea. Venue. Sharks.
- So it’s 6pm. Time to pick up your date…If you’re a total nerd. Come on. Do you think you will get any respect if you show up on time? Please. If you show up any sooner than 12 hours after the arranged meeting time, I can guarantee that your date will be a disaster. I don’t care if it’s 6am. Love doesn’t have a watch. Or a clock in its house. Or a phone that has the time on it. Or a sundial.
- So while your date is acting all confused and angry, doing the ol’ “What the hell are you doing, you were supposed to be here 12 hours ago,” grab them by the hand and pull them out to the street, where their carriage straight from their wildest princess fantasies awaits: a Razor Scooter. Oh yes.
- There’s probably not enough room for both of you on there, so be a gentleman. Let your date run behind you while you take the scooter.
- Now, here you are. The perfect venue. A park? the cinema? The beach? A mini golf course? An intimate picnic? Nope. Much better. It’s the supermarket! The ultimate venue for romance. Did you know that in the original version of the play, William Shakespeare had Romeo meeting Juliet while shopping for some cereal at the local Woolworths? He cut it out because the focus group deemed it “too real.”
- But what will you do here? Why, send your date on a romantic scavenger hunt. How fun! The list of items? Your shopping list. The items? The things on your shopping list. Make sure your date uses their own money to buy them, or it will be cheating. Meanwhile, you sit out the front and yell encouragement.
- Hmm she seems to be walking out of the store. Stop her. This is a date! You need a partner. And you really need those groceries.
- She’s running now. No worries. It’s just part of the fun. Get on your scooter and tell her to come back. Offer to help her with the scavenger hunt.
- She’s calling someone on her phone now. Oh shit, taking her phone should have been step #2. That’s your bad. You should have reminded me.
- She’s made it to her house. That’s ok. Just climb into one of the windows. It’s daring, and cute. Like Spiderman.
- Ok, so this is her parents’ room. No matter. Just explain to the father that you are looking for his daughter so you can take her for the date of her life.
- So now the father is making a call to someone and telling them his address, and asking them to “come quickly,” because there is “a strange man in the house.” Don’t worry. He’s probably calling the President so he can give you a medal for best date of all time. Naturally.