Tired of boring old doggy style? Try wombat style on for size. Dig yourself a burrow in the dirt, masturbate, then go to sleep.
By special guest writer Barack Obama.
- What is a president without selfies? This is what George Washington first said to himself when he invented America in 1943. And the answer to that classic question is: a loser. Why do you think Mount Rushmore exists? Every president up there, Washington, Lincoln, ahhh…the other two, carved that face himself, to show to the world that they are worth a damn. And now we have mobile phones, I can show that to the world without taking that 3 year long rock carving course.
- It’s important to pick your venue. You can’t just take your selfie when you’re in the back alley behind a Burger King. It needs to be somewhere grand. Somewhere with significance. Like at a memorial service. I’ve picked Nelson Mandela’s, but you can pick any one of your friends’ or families’. It’s not important.
- What? It’s not disrespectful. I’m pretty sure it’s not, anyway. Nelson probably would have wanted me to stop paying attention to his memorial service and take a picture of myself instead. You didn’t know him.
- Sometimes your selfie should have some of your best bros in it with you. I’ve picked David Cameron and Helle Thorning Schmidt. Your friends don’t have to be Prime Ministers, though. I just can’t help that I’m friends with cool people.
- Snuggle in close, and smile! Try to not let the sad memorial music, or the overall tone of the event, or the concepts of death and respect bring you down. Nobody wants to see a moody selfie.
- Don’t let your wife’s dour expression bring you down either. She may look like she’s pretending to not know you, but she’s just jealous you didn’t invite her to be in the selfie.
- And there you have it. The perfect selfie, at the perfect venue, with no possible repercussions. Post to Instagram, Facebook, where ever! Now for the respect and praise to roll in like a tidal wave.
Tired of thrusting? Get your friend to come over and push and pull your hips for you. Technically, you’ve had a three way now.