Tired of boring old doggy style? Try wombat style on for size. Dig yourself a burrow in the dirt, masturbate, then go to sleep.
By special guest writer Barack Obama.
- What is a president without selfies? This is what George Washington first said to himself when he invented America in 1943. And the answer to that classic question is: a loser. Why do you think Mount Rushmore exists? Every president up there, Washington, Lincoln, ahhh…the other two, carved that face himself, to show to the world that they are worth a damn. And now we have mobile phones, I can show that to the world without taking that 3 year long rock carving course.
- It’s important to pick your venue. You can’t just take your selfie when you’re in the back alley behind a Burger King. It needs to be somewhere grand. Somewhere with significance. Like at a memorial service. I’ve picked Nelson Mandela’s, but you can pick any one of your friends’ or families’. It’s not important.
- What? It’s not disrespectful. I’m pretty sure it’s not, anyway. Nelson probably would have wanted me to stop paying attention to his memorial service and take a picture of myself instead. You didn’t know him.
- Sometimes your selfie should have some of your best bros in it with you. I’ve picked David Cameron and Helle Thorning Schmidt. Your friends don’t have to be Prime Ministers, though. I just can’t help that I’m friends with cool people.
- Snuggle in close, and smile! Try to not let the sad memorial music, or the overall tone of the event, or the concepts of death and respect bring you down. Nobody wants to see a moody selfie.
- Don’t let your wife’s dour expression bring you down either. She may look like she’s pretending to not know you, but she’s just jealous you didn’t invite her to be in the selfie.
- And there you have it. The perfect selfie, at the perfect venue, with no possible repercussions. Post to Instagram, Facebook, where ever! Now for the respect and praise to roll in like a tidal wave.
- Arriving a few minutes early shows that you’re a go getter. You don’t mess around and you value punctuality. Arriving SIX DAYS early shows that you are your own boss. A confident self starter who has more important things to do than to own a calendar. A potential employee who looks at one of those pesky date telling wall hangings and says “Get the hell out of my face, BITCH. You don’t tell me what day it is. I tell you what day it is.” What’s that? You haven’t even been offered an interview yet? All the better, friend. Now you have that element that every great businessman in a position such as this craves. What is it called? That element where nobody knows you’re coming and you aren’t suspected by anybody. It’s a very common element that people have a lot. Oh yeah. Lithium. That’s the one, baby. You’ve got the element of lithium on your side.
- Dress to impress. And that doesn’t mean dress in a lame collared shirt and tie. No sir. Last time I checked, to “impress” means to make an impression. Do you think you will make one of those if you are dressed like everyone else coming in for interviews? Let me answer that for you, since you’ve been silent this entire lesson, and I don’t think you plan on talking any time soon. The answer is no. The best way to make an impression is to go in there wearing nothing but a nice leather belt and one of those hats with the little propellers on the top. If people try to stop you from getting into the office, cover their eyes, or call the police, then that means you’re doing it right.
- When you find your future boss, go into his office without even knocking. What’s that? He’s in a meeting with an important client? It don’t matter, son. Who could this other guy be? Nobody as important as you, my friend. So just sit right there in his lap and look your boss directly in the eye. Give your propeller a little whirl. Ignore the squirms coming from underneath you. Sit harder. If you lose focus now, your interviewer is going to think you can’t stay focused when there are a suffocating men desperately clinging to your propeller hat and emitting muffled screams of protest. And that is one of the most frequent obstacles in this job probably.
- Whoever talks first holds the power. So before he starts to speak, lean forward and put your finger on his lips. Move over to his ear and start whispering your past experience for the role. The intimate nature of this action will assure him that you are not afraid to whisper in people’s ears, which might be handy at some point. I don’t know. Maybe you need to have a meeting in a library at some point. Maybe there will be a companywide game of Chinese whispers. What is this job, anyway? Jesus. In any case, don’t be afraid to lick him in the ear. Now that’s taking initiative.
- Whoa, he’s getting aggressive. That’s ok. Just because he is pushing you away doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life. That’s good general life advice too. Remember that one. Ok, so he’s calling security. It’s a bluff. Power move. All you have to do is walk around to his side of the desk and give him a hug. That’s it. That’s right. Shh shh shh. It’s all ok now. Corporate life can be tough.
- Whoa, the other guy has you in a headlock. Ok. Shit. Forgot about him. My bad. Ahh do you know any karate? Try karate chopping him in the leg.
- Oh shit man, security’s here. Ahhh just go limp. Yeah! Go limp. Non violence, like Ghandi. I think this is how all of his job interviews ended up. While you’re there go on a hunger strike. God you can learn so much from history. It might be hard for them to tell you’re on one, so yell it out. Tell them you won’t eat until you get a job.
- Ok, so the boss is saying that you never applied, there isn’t even a job opening, and this is not in fact a place of work. It is his own home where he was conversing with his friend. Minor setback. Tell him you will work for magic beans.
- Well, you’ve been thrown out. Tough times. Happens to the best of us. Do you still have your propeller hat? Good. You’ve won the war.
Tired of thrusting? Get your friend to come over and push and pull your hips for you. Technically, you’ve had a three way now.